It's still so incredibly strange to think that 3 years ago I was finding myself wild and in love, then pregnant and unwed at 20. There was no training. No one really warned me what it was going to be like. I wish someone had just pulled me aside and said, "There will be poop. Poop EVERYWHERE. And you're going to constantly smell like moldy cottage cheese. And sometimes, if not every day, you'll cry for no reason."
But no one tells you these things.
I'm ill-equipped. I remember leaving the hospital with a very tiny Little S in my arms and my new husband by my side. After 2 days in the hospital they wheeled me out like it was no big deal. I really wanted to ask if they knew what they were doing, because no one in their right mind would trust ME with this tiny human.
I'm a failure.
I've been a failure since day 1.
I wasn't married when I got pregnant.
I haven't finished college just yet.
My kids drive my nuts some days.
I get frustrated.
And I'm tired.
I just want to be 22 some days.
I want to spend time with Big S.
And I want to be selfish.
I don't want to change 16 diapers a day.
I wish I didn't have to share my brownies.
I forget to do dishes.
And I ignore the baskets of laundry.
And sometimes, I just send Big S to put the kids to bed by himself.
And these kids-
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These kids deserve way better than me.
I fail them every day.
But then this morning, he looked at me
"Mommy, let's cuddle", he pleads as he climbs into my lap.
"Mommy, I need you", he says.
And every doubt that I had melts away.
It melts like the chocolate on top of my brownies that I don't want to share.
If I'm good enough for him, then I'm good enough for anything.
M
Ohh, Melissa. You are AMAZING. You should remind yourself as many times a day as you need to. You're a phenomenal mom, wife, daughter, friend, woman. I totally understand how you feel, some days just knock you down over and over again, but you'll always get through. <3
ReplyDeleteThis made me all teary eyed! I have to say, you are a wonderful mom from what I saw every Sunday in the nursery!! I think we all have our doubts when we have baby number 1 ~ babies don't come with instruction manuals ~ but, they don't know any better ... so, whatever you do with them and for them is all they know and to them, you are perfect!!
ReplyDeleteI am going to share this with you ~ my daughter had it on her FB page when she, too, found herself young, unmarried and pregnant:
Being a young mom means we met a little early, but I get to love you longer. Some people said my life ended when I had a baby, but my life had just begun. You didn't take away from my future you gave me a new one.
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Like your dad said ~ you ARE doing it right!
Like I told my own daughter ~ babies are a blessing whether they are planned or not and I am proud of you and my daughter for making the right choices for your life and that of your babies!!
(((HUGS)))