Peanut.

I can name off at least 48 things I'm doing wrong at any given time of the day.
I yell too much.
I'm a push over.
My kids don't believe in eating vegetables.
I forgot to brush my teeth this morning.
Little S may or may not have eaten 3 cheese sticks of breakfast.

But there's one thing I know (or thought) I am doing right.

I nursed Little S until he was 13 months old.
And I'm still nursing Rae.
There are very few things I can say for certain I'm supposed to do as a mother, but nursing my babies is a point of pride for me.  Nursing takes hours and hours and hours of my week.  I nurse her to bed, I nurse her to wake up.  I nurse her every 2 hours ALL day and ALL night.  It's exhausting, but I'm sure it's what's best for Rae.

I knew Rae was a peanut.  I had 2 vessel cord when I was pregnant with her.  Ultrasounds showed that she stopped growing when I was around 36 weeks pregnant, which caused me to be induced with her at 39 weeks.  And while, yes, she was small as they predicted, she was still perfect.

Desiree Angelle Photography

When I took her to the doctor for a weight check yesterday I had my mom intuition telling me she might have dropped off her curve a little bit.  What I didn't expect was the drop to be below the 5th percentile.  A weight gain of only 7 ounces since mid-August.

I feel like I failed her.
I'm pretty sure it's my fault she hasn't gained much.
I'm the one who is feeding her.
It's all on me to give her every bit of nutrition she's getting except for the bits of cheerios and graham crackers she'll eat.

In my mind I can't help but think this is a too familiar story.  Big S had a hole in his heart when he was a baby. It went undetected for a while, he continually didn't gain weight until they found it and he ended up having heart surgery.  My mind immediately goes to this place.  I'm terrified of the idea that this same thing could happen to my sweet baby girl.  She could have the same heart defect.
Or she could just have an allergy.
Or she could just be sick.

And yet, I know it could be nothing.
I keep getting my worries blown off.
She could be fine.
She's active.
Don't worry.
She's hitting her milestones.
She's happy.
Growth charts mean nothing.

She's just a peanut.They mean well, I know that.

But I'm her mom.

I'm going to worry, because she's my baby.

And I'm all she has.

So whatever happens tomorrow, I hope the doctors have the wisdom to figure out what's happening with my sweet Rae.

M

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken.

Psalm 55:22