Happy.

I've been stuck the past few weeks (months...years...whatever.). I have 7 unfinished blog posts sitting in my drafts folder, things I've written and then never finished.  I've written out more details of Rae's doctor's appointments, stories about Little S and the ridiculousness that comes out of his mouth, things that Big S has done that makes me feel like I have 3 children instead of 2, but they haven't made it through. But this one, this one finally got finished.

2013 was a year of growth. It was a year of hardships. It was a year of incredible and wonderful experiences. It was also a year filled with a lot of pain and uncertainty. As a mother and a wife, I failed daily. I ended most days feeling inadequate and insecure in almost every single aspect of my life. 

I, unlike most people, don't enjoy new years resolutions. I see everyone making commitments to become better people, to workout more, to eat healthier, to go to church, to buy a house, to have the perfect wedding, to do MORE of things they're already doing better than I am. 

It's like they're making resolutions AT me.

So I decided to make some resolutions this year. 

I spent hours putting together the perfect list so I could share it (at you).

-Workout more.

-Get organized.

-Eat less junk.

-Do daily devotions.

-No cellphones on the weekends.

-Lose 15 pounds.

-Bake more.

-Clean more.

-Increase our savings.

-Blog more.

-Make crafts.

-Run a half marathon.

Then I looked over my list proudly. I even blogged about it. I blogged about how awesome 2014 was going to be. How I was going to be such an amazing person this year. How I was going to do it all. I was going to be the perfect wife. I was going to be the super cool mom who always said yes to her picture perfect children, with my super flat, non stretch marked stomach, and my hair in a constant state of hot rolled beauty, while I lovingly prepared my husband dinner that was all finished cooking at the moment he walked through the door. I was going to be the woman I always wanted to be.

But then I read my list it to Little S, not that he cared. He was too busy dropping cheddar bunnies then grinding them into my carpet. I could tell he was uninterested in hearing about my plans, so I asked him what he wanted to do.

"I want to cuddle," he said with a mouthful of juice that dripped onto his brand new shirt, "Don't be sad".

I felt really puzzled by his 2 completely unrelated thoughts, he must have sensed it because he then jumped into my arms and said "Ugga Mugga" and rubbed his nose with mine.

And with that, my resolution changed.

I know it's silly to take his one little off topic sentence and completely change all my goals, but for 2 and a half, he's surprisingly persuasive.

Especially in the past few months with everything going on with Rae, I've been going non stop. I've been doing things I "had" to do. I'd wake up in the morning making my list for the day. I'd be grumpy by 9:30 AM. I'd be frustrated and irritable and flustered with the laundry list of things I wanted done, that honestly, could wait. I would make the time to workout, but be miserable every minute of it. I would spend an hour every night attempting to prep dinner while Rae cried from behind the gate and Little S would say "mommymommymommymommylooooooook" and I'd shoo them away. I'd sit down during nap time and blink my eyes and they'd be up again and have nothing accomplished that I'd wanted (maybe time management should be my resolution...).

I don't know if it's the season we're in with unresolved issues with Rae, or if it's Little S and his constant need to be saying things that don't make sense about 86% of the time, or if it's just my own doubt that made me feel like I was drowning in stuff that "needed" to get done, but now that's over.

In 2014, I'm going to be happy.

If that means doing less, I'll do less.

If that means to do more, I'll do more.

If that means to shove my face with cake, I'm going to do it (so...that'll be happening daily.)

If that means that we wear PJs and watch Curious George all day, I will...tolerate that.

If that load of laundry hasn't been folded yet, and Rae isn't wanting to be put down, it's not going to get done.

I'm so tired of feeling rushed and like everything has such a sense of urgency, when in reality, the only thing that really matters is those tiny moments where Little S wants to cuddle and identify every part of my face by poking me repeatedly. It's those nap times with Rae curled up on my chest. It's that cricket book that both babes are totally obsessed with. It's the moment I lay on the ground and their faces light up as they jump on my still squishy belly.

Because at the end of the day, none of us will remember how many loads of laundry got done, or if I put on mascara or not. They won't care if the sink was full of dishes until they went to bed, or if the floor is covered with puzzle pieces. Big S won't mind if I make box mac and cheese for the 3rd night in a row because it's easy. And I won't remember if one day I only finished half a Jillian Michaels DVD before yelling at the TV and telling her I hate her and her stupid abs and turn it off.

But, we'll always remember if we took the time to celebrate our family and choose to be happy with things just the way they are.

M