A Great Perhaps

As another graduation season has come, I've had my mailbox and my newsfeed flooded with college graduation pictures and announcements.

I had the same internal struggle for 3 years now, I'm so happy for them...but when's it my turn to do something I'm proud of?

I mean, graduating college is huge.

That's an incredibly hard thing to even wrap my head around with two tiny people currently screaming about peanut butter and veggie chips.

"I go to seek a great perhaps."
These were supposedly Francois Rabelais last words.
This week I finished Looking For Alaska (I know, I'm like, 9 years late. Anyway, great book, highly recommend it if you're in need of a good ugly cry). The idea of a great perhaps was written over and over through the pages. I don't get to read much, but I'm glad I read this.

For the longest time, my "great perhaps" was wondering what would have happened if that pregnancy test had been negative back in October 2010, my sophomore year of college. I always wonder if I would have kept my psychology major. Would I have ran my first marathon? Would I have my own place yet? Would Big S and I have a better starting point for Little S and Rae if we had waited? Would I have embarrassed myself even further at the next big drinking weekend? Would I get an internship/job? What about my "friends", would they have stuck around longer?

There's a lot of empty spaces left unfilled with college experience.
There's a lot of empty spaces left unfilled from my adolescence.

But The Great Perhaps that filled those spaces can't be replaced with experience.
They are the experience.

Never once has there been regret. There's been frustration, gut wrenching heartbreak and a lot of fear of the unknown, but never once has there been regret.

The Great Perhaps I frequently wondered about is a selfish longing to know what will never be known.

The Great Perhaps I'm living right here, right now, is so much more.

My aspirations and experiences I wanted to have have completely shifted. My life isn't filled with meetings and business lunches. It's not one big party. It's not group shots of me and my best friends all hunched together getting ready for a night out. It's not a degree or a job or planning a wedding anymore. It's not normal for a 23 year old.

It's a jelly covered hand in mine as we cross the street. It's doctors appointments and feeding tubes. It's 9 PM and I'm already in bed. It's tripping over toys and tiny shoes that look like they should be for a doll. It's rubbing my thumb over the bridge of my babies noses as they drift off to sleep. It's waking up at 6 AM to comfort my Rae. It's watching my husband, Rae and Little S all light up when he walks in the door from work. My life is teaching my babies Bible stories and making up songs about changing Rae's diapers.

It's not what I thought it would be.
But perhaps it's exactly what it should be.

I can't frame it and hang it on my wall.
It can't get me a better job.
It's not exactly the most glamorous life.
But this is what I'm proud of.

Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

M