How to Vegan.

Okay.

I have a confession.

It's kind of scary to a lot of people, which is why I try to never talk about it on the blog.

But it's time you know the truth.
It's been going on for a while now...almost 5 months....

I'm....

Vegan.

I KNOW.

WHO AM I?!

If you don't know what a vegan is, it's an incredibly pretentious person who eats no animal products whatsoever (yes, dumb dumb, that includes cheese and eggs and milk.).

Being vegan (which still feels weird saying, I usually just say I eat a vegan diet.) isn't THAT bad. So in case you ever wondered if you could be a vegan I created a very simple How to Vegan guide.

Step 1: Throw away all your foods.
Now that you're a vegan all you'll need is some birdseed and bunch of foods you don't know how to pronounce. Tempeh. Quinoa. Quiche (made from tofu, not eggs!). Broccoli. Don't forget to stock up on the condiments too! Fancy things like nutritional yeast and flax seed and soy protein powder to add to everything and anything you eat. The harder it is to say, the better it is for you!

(I can just taste the years being added to my life!)

Step 2: Make sure EVERYONE knows you're a vegan.
Everyone knows vegan is latin for I'm better than you. And what better opener to new friendships than making sure everyone knows just how superior you are. Make sure you mention your veganism as soon as possible into any given conversation. People love hearing about your weirdo eating habits! Force it into conservation! Talking about cats? Maybe segue with a mention of how much your tofu scramble looks like cat food. Talking about the weather? Blame your new friends for the polar vortex by saying something about polar bears and animal rights and then you're right back on the vegan track!

Step 3: Have your cannons at the ready.
Nothing says respect my decision! like arguing about someone else's choice of a diet. Make sure you stock up on B-12 vitamins and Omega 3 Supplements to pelt your opponents with at any moments notice when they talk about what they like to eat. Don't skimp on the name calling either. People definitely respect you more when you call them a murderer for eating animal products. Oh, and make sure you warm up those eye lids for the many overly dramatic eye rolls you need to dish out when you're asked about your protein intake!

Step 4: Stop working out.
Everyone knows vegans are weak. When your daily allotment of food is only 14 carrots and a tablespoon of humus you're bound to become a weakling. So start acting like it. No more half marathons or working out. You need to conserve your energy for more high impact activities, like peeling butternut squash and making zucchini noodles (but seriously...why is butternut squash so hard to peel?)

Step 5: Obsess over every single ingredient of everything you eat.
If you accidentally eat something with egg in it, the vegan police WILL know. And they will chastise you for it. Forever. If you're not sure if somethings vegan, just don't eat it. We'd rather you starve than to mess up.

Step 6: Respond appropriately.
When someone asks you what you DO eat, be sure to lay out the most healthy part of your day. Don't mention the amount of chips and salsa and oreos you eat daily. You want them to think you're healthy, remember? Oh, and yes, my friends. Oreos are vegan. Which I like to think was God's way of saying "I love you plant based dieters" then He'd add a little eye-heart faced emojii and a bunch of plants (I'm assuming God texts...)

(Full disclosure, I don't really eat christmas trees...)

Step 7: Pack your lunch.
When you pack food to take with you somewhere, make sure you pack the most obnoxious version of what you usually eat. Say, like I usually eat a salad for lunch with half a bottle of french dressing. But if I were to pack myself lunch to take somewhere I'd probably pack a kale salad with chickpeas and just a tiny splash of lime. Make sure you turn your head when you're dry heaving so no one knows how disgusting it is.

And lastly,
Step 8: Make sure you have a really stupid reason for going vegan.
Like, maybe you really love animals. (Psh.) Or you care about the effects on the environment (Dumb.) Or maybe changing your diet makes you feel like you're being healthy or whatever (That doesn't even make sense. There's no direct links to diets and health ANYWHERE.) Or maybe you just really, really hate vegetables and have some strange compulsion to spear and eat every plant you see. Whatever your reason is, make sure you shove it down every one's throat and make them uncomfortable.

So there you have it.
8 simple steps to becoming the worlds worst best vegan.

PS: Tomorrow is my birthday! You can feel free to send me things like cauliflower and cans of chick peas now that I'm out as a weirdo vegan.


PPS: I have a joke.
What does a vegan zombie eat?
GRAAAAAAINSSSSS.

M