Let it Go.

The past 4 days have been a nightmare.

Yes, things could be worse, which I should remind myself.

But I also am one for throwing myself pity parties (They're lavish parties that include eating handfuls of chocolate chips and sobbing while I write blog posts on my iPad).

We were supposed to go home first thing Thursday morning, it's now Friday night (Right? What day is it? It feels like I've been here 12 years.) and there's literally no indication that we'll be going home tomorrow or Sunday.

Wednesday Rae spiked a few fevers, but they went down with Tylenol. Then she threw up at 1 am Thursday morning after being worked up by her vitals being taken. This same exact thing happened when she had the NG placed I'm February, but I wasn't too worried, we were still allowed to go home that day.

But then the GI checked the tube site and it was really red and her fevers were still high. So we were to stay and run some antibiotics for 24 hours.

Thursday night Rae got sick again, but not after being worked up. 

And she threw up on her IV, so they had to change it.

Thankfully Big S was here to take one for the team and hold her down so I got a break from being the one to torture her for once.

Then her gtube started leaking.

It leaked so much they couldn't keep her hooked up to the pump.

Then her fever got even higher, despite completing 6 rounds of antibiotics.

They said her tube may have been misplaced and leaking into the separation between her stomach and the skin.

So another 24 hours of monitoring and a contrast X-ray to make sure the tube was placed correctly, they started mentioning she may have to have a second surgery to fix the tube.

The X-Ray went great and everything with the tube looked perfect. The leaking is probably just caused by her being backed up from anesthesia and her intestines not fully digesting everything as fast as before.

Then we got back and her fever was up to 105 from 99 in about an hour that we were downstairs doing the xray. They started talking about her being high risk for seizures and hooked her back up to the heart rate, blood pressure, and oxygen level monitors.

The GI came back in and said we'd do more rounds of antibiotics and slowly start feeding her through the tube again (at this point, she's literally eaten nothing all day but had about 3 hours of IV fluids).

She left, only to return about 10 minutes later and saying there was a change in plans. She spoke to an infectious diseases expert and said we needed to be more aggressive with the antibiotics and do more lab work and culture the tube site to make sure there is no abnormal bacteria growth.

And now, I'm sitting watching her monitors go from a regular heartbeat to bradycardia, and her oxygen levels drop and then level out.

They said it's okay as long as it levels out within 30 seconds.

I hate this.

I hate this.

I hate this.

I miss Big S.

I miss Little S.

I miss sleeping.

I miss wine.

I miss working out.

I miss Rae's laugh.

And I'm legitimately upset that this hospital doesn't have Cheesecake Factory to go down the hall.

My friend Mel said it well though: a crappy experience for a short period of time is for a much greater benefit of health for the future. 

It's true, I know this tube will be a big factor of her continuing to thrive and be better off than without it.

But man, right now SUCKS.

Now I've got to get back to watching Frozen for the 14th time. It's the only thing keeping her content.

M